Aaron Is a Redneck

We realized a couple months ago that Aaron is a redneck.

All of my kids (and I assume all kids in general) go through phases where they have favorite items. Aaron’s have always been rather peculiar and it wasn’t until recently that the pieces came together for me.

His first obsession that I can remember was screws. As a wee tot he’d pick them up and hold them whenever I had some laying out for a project. One of his prized possessions was a carriage bolt I bought for him on a trip to Home Depot.

From screws, it was just a short hop to screwdrivers. He preferred Phillips and the smaller the better. There were two that he named “big” and “little” and once he got hold of them it was tough to get them back. Occasionally he would smuggle one into bed, and while Eli cuddled with Blimpie the stuffed elephant, Aaron would snuggle up with a screwdriver.

Soon the screwdrivers weren’t enough and his interest shifted to my cordless drill. Every time my wife would pull the van into the garage, little Aaron would greet the drills hanging on the pegboard.

After awhile he could handle one well enough that I would give him a 1x4, the cordless drill, and a handful of screws. That could keep him busy for an hour. Eventually I gave him a drill bit and he did a real number on that board. This was all to my wife’s chagrin as a few unauthorized household items also got drilled along the way.

There was a time we were working in the garage together. I was on the ladder with my head in the attic rewiring the door opener circuit. Aaron was down below working on his board. By this time I’d just give him everything he needed and let him go to it. He was able to work the chuck and change the bits as he liked. He was working away and I wasn’t paying any attention until I heard him scream. Looking down I could see that he had drilled through the board and the bit was embedded in his socked foot underneath. I got to him as fast as I could, reversed the drill out of his foot, and ripped the sock off. No blood. The scream was from the nice pink burn the hot bit had made right between his toes.

I recently refreshed my cordless tools with a nice DeWalt 18V set. Aaron was ecstatic and now has a new favorite tool – the reciprocating saw.

Aaron likes football. We took the whole family to a high school football game a while back and Aaron was riveted. We have a little football and he is obsessed with throwing the perfect spiral. He’s also got a good-looking swing with a baseball bat. Strangely, he bats left-handed.

His most recent obsession is trucks, the bigger the better. We have a children’s video about monster trucks (I highly recommend Dave movies) that he loves. We have a big Tonka dump truck from last Christmas that he has laid claim to and christened his monster truck. He flips up the truck bed and rides it around the house. I have no idea why we allow this.

Whenever we’re in the car he is on constant lookout for trucks and he calls out the ones he likes. His favorites are Jeep Wranglers, preferably with a soft top and “big scuffy tires”. Winches and big off-road lights are bonus and get special mention. Interestingly, the only SUVs he notices are Hummers, Jeep Cherokees, and Ford Broncos. He really likes big pickups, the biggest of which he bestows with the title “monster truck”. Fortunately for him, there are plenty of those in Florida. He prefers Dodge Rams to Fords and Toyotas (he has no interest in Chevy’s), but on the whole you see more big Fords than anything else. Today we saw an F-650. I didn’t know they made one of those either. I thought the kid might have a seizure.

Favorite sportscar? Corvette Stingray. I don’t think he has seen a “screaming chicken” Trans Am yet. I’ve pointed out a few Ferraris, but he is unimpressed.

He prefers motorboats to sailboats, and seems to have a particular attraction to bass boats. You know the kind: shallow hulls, big motor on the back, seat up on the bow. He usually sees them on trailers behind trucks he likes.

He looks funny with anything but a buzz cut.

Guns. Potter gave the boys a Nerf gun for the Christmas before last. It’s unquestionably Aaron’s gun. I had to buy him a bag of replacement bullets since Sarah ate all the originals.

Given his obvious redneck qualities, you’d think he’d wear Red Man tank tops, jean shorts, and tennis shoes with no socks. Quite to the contrary, the boy is a clothes horse. He emerges from his room every morning fully dressed and usually looking very sharp. He rarely dresses himself in anything but a button down. He will wear a pullover shirt, but only if it’s a dress down day and it goes with his ensemble. T-shirts are out of the question. Many fits have been thrown over not being able to find a shirt that matches or not having a clean pair of khakis.

All comments above about his taste in clothes aside, he loves camouflage.